Mind comes true here, Mind for all of you here.

I want to shape some personal thoughts on what I want out of a marriage, this is sort of an emotional outlet at the same time, so please stay objective when reading this twisted mess of wires and sounds. And remember its more for me than anything else.
I may have unreasonable expectations, and unrealistic goals (typos inevitable, very tired, please forgive) when it comes to finding someone that I want to spend the rest of my days with. Synergy is the name of the goal. I expect my thoughts, goals, and desires, will eventually converge with my future spouse's to the point that we can say whole sentences with just a look. I want to be loved as deeply as I feel I'm capable of loving, and I want room for potential even unending growth. I want a small act of kindness to speak volumes and at the same time have no need of explanation. It would be seemingly telepathic communication, but much better, because even telepathic thoughsharing would take explanation. I want perfect understanding. I also want this relationship to be perfetly equal. I want to love and need my wife, just as much as she would love and need me. I want us to be totally devoted to work toward any goal that would be beneficial to our relationship. I WANT US TO BE ABLE TO DO ANYTHING! I feel like I cannot even adequately define the depth, breadth, and scope of this . . . . . . . thing. . . .
I don't care if it takes a million years, but I expect that if I meet the right person it wouldn't take a whole lifetime to develop this harmonious relationship. I welcome the opportunity to let myself go and even sacrifice myself to be one with my wife.
I don't know why but I am focused on a few key qualities to a healthy relationship: an almost over emphasis on mutual devotion, almost over emphasized trust, reliance on the gospel, and an awareness/attention to all aspects of a well balanced relationship. (physical, emotional, financial, personal, interpersonal, paternal/maternal aspects, etc... just to cover all my bases)
This is probably unrealistic, I see how much my parents can sometimes disagree. But nonetheless I am simultaneously bursting and imploding to give and recieve.
Actually harmony wouldn't be the technically correct term, the real parallel idea would be wave resonance







This is the same way violins, and other instruments work, waves interplay at the right frequencies, and distances from each other to do things that they couldn't do by themselves, its a powerful concept, used to keep bridges from falling down, and create beautiful music. It also occurs in magnetism, electical fields, light waves, and I hope in marriages.

Pissed Off And Misunderstood Guys

I have this weird desire in video games and roleplaying games sometimes to play the villian whenever I'm given the choice. I don't know why, maybe its because being the good guy gets a little boring sometimes. When I play the good guy and I'm given a moral choice its always easy to pick the most right thing to do... in fact it feels a little bit predestined for your hero to pick the best option and forget whatever else you could do, and that gets boring. Now badguys, on the other hand, they have flexible morals, they can pick whatever means to suit their ends. It doesn't necessarily mean they are motivated by pure evil, or even prefer the evil way but sometimes that works best. They're dynamic and fun. Anyway, in my sdventures as an evil guy sometimes I feel like I still want to be the good guy and then I'll feel bad for my evil deeds. It's sort of provided me with this interesting insight into the psyche of the super villain, by playing one.
I could see them feeling like they are the victim getting back at society sometimes or that what they are doing is really a good thing, or a necessary thing. Another layer of regret they might feel is likd Mr Glass in Unbreakable, at the point where he says something to the effect of: "its important to know what you are[Bruce Willis] because then that tells me what I am[Sam Jackson." Right at the point where he says that if you look into his eyes you can see a veritable torrent of emotions going on right there.

There are varying motivations for supervillians like take Lex Luther for example, he's a prick he does what he needs to do to get the job done, or the King Pin. That doesn't mean they are unfeeling sonsabitches, they are just more flexible that way. This insight provides for interesting situtations to happen, like when the Spot almost sucked the entire earth into a black hole, and the king pin helped spider man to close it. Or like Mr freeze (from the cartoons is my primary reference) how he just loved his wife and she died and it's like a part of him has died. He must realize that in another time and place he wouldn't do the things he does because of how evil they are. But then there are supervillains like the joker, and they are motivated by the desire to cause chaos or just plain evilness, these guys I think are the hardcore supervillains. But they other guys, they are more like the outcasts of society and they are willing to abuse the establishment because of their position in life.

So all this talk about super villains is actually going somewhere. The song "Behind Blue Eyes," has convinced me that the Who were writing about supervillains, or just this certain type of badguy when they made this song. Here's the lyrics if you want to read them:

No one knows what it's like To be the bad man To be the sad man Behind blue eyes No one knows what it's like To be hated To be fated To telling only lies But my dreams They aren't as empty As my conscience seems to be I have hours, only lonely My love is vengeance That's never free No one knows what it's like To feel these feelings Like I do And I blame you No one bites back as hard On their anger None of my pain and woe Can show through But my dreams They aren't as empty As my conscience seems to be I have hours, only lonely My love is vengeance That's never free When my fist clenches, crack it open Before I use it and lose my cool When I smile, tell me some bad news Before I laugh and act like a fool If I swallow anything evil Put your finger down my throat If I shiver, please give me a blanket Keep me warm, let me wear your coat No one knows what it's like To be the bad man To be the sad man Behind blue eyes

Anyway I think it would be really sweet to make like a music video montage of this type of supervillain looking a little bit regretful as they are working on their doomsday device or something and singing this song as well. But they are still going to go through with that shit anyway because in their mind society made them go through with it. Ya it'd bewicked sweet.

Yahtzee had a similar idea that I thought was great here.

Anyway if anyone is interested in life for me this last little while, things are going good. I have this raging battle going on inside me with this desire to work hard or just play hard. Whenever I play hard I lose all motivationt to do schoolwork, its like I've fallen off the preverbial horse(maybe it a work horse) or something. I need the extended rest that is coming soon it will be good.

On halloween I went as a zombie, it was meh, but I was happy with it. The Howl for those who are familiar with it, was a huge skinfest, but at least there wasn't any alchohol running rampant so that was good, but I was too tired to party so I went home after a while and played resident evil 4, it just made sense to do that. I've been going out a bunch too and that feels good. I think I'm probably the most balanced I've been in a long time and it feels good.

Till next time.

On Going Bald: It's Ok.

The days of my beautiful hair are going and I wanna reminisce about it a little. I've had long hair, I've had pink(supposed to be red) hair. I've had hair so thick it would insulate my head from the beating sun. I know this because in elementary I remember in recess I would touch the top of my head and it would almost burn my hand. (my hair is black) I also remember when I was a kid I could play with it when gel was in it, and it would do some crazy stuff, that was fun.

Whenever I would get haircuts with my mom the barber would always say how awesome my hair was. But now the barber has to struggle just to get a hold of the thin mat on my skull to even trim the tops of it even with the still thick sides of my head.

I went through a phase where it was kind of a scary thing, because I am a little tubby, and I always thought it wouldn't be too bad to be either bald or fat, but when those two are combined it makes people's initial impression of you a little lower by default, and that is a big thing in a competitive world, and dating :). But that's over now.

Now I just go with it,I gotta roll with the punches. I think confidence is one of those things that can make up for a lot. if I just pretend not to care, then I actually won't care because the added confidence of not caring will help me give off better initial impressions and then it will all work out. And who cares anyway if I go bald, as long as my haircut reflects my acknowledgement of my ...disability... then it leaves the observer to realize that "hey they aint nothin he can do bout it" So my goal right now is to find a haircut that reflects this.

My hair is not gone, but your can see down into my scalp rom the top. Eventually I am just going to buzz it off, but what do I do now, because I don't think I'm quite to the buzzing stage yet. I also want to do my hair like that one bald guy from prodigy with the green spiky side-head hair. Anyone got any ideas?

The School of Wok.

Hey everyone, it has been a while since I last wrote here so I thought I would give an update. I actually wrote a big blog about three weeks ago but saved it to post later because it's basically a bunch of bitching, and I figured I should pace myself. :)
So I am on my second week of school (three?) at it is going sweet. The classes are going better, I got a job cleaning classrooms (and toilets yuck) at a middle school. How cliche is that(but it's awesome). The girls up here are much more awesome than last year. My room mate even convinced our neighbors (of girls) to make me a birthday cake, it was delicious. Oh yeah my roommates are dope too. They are Jake and curtis, Jake's a cowboy from... bountiful...(huh), and curtis is this history major who is into soccer and internation sports and spent his summer in england at some IV league school in the summer, like cambridge or something snooty like that. But they both like family guy and rock band and they are easy going and stuff so that is good. Oh yeah and they clean up after themeselves... bitchin.
Hans is still Hans, geology major and allround goofball who will sing anything wholeheartedly on rock band.
So that about wraps it up. tootles.

Ok...Seriously the world is a twisted place... Seriously

I feel like I'm crossing a line already that I told myself I wouldn't cross, I'm starting a conversation that talks about those sensitive subjects about society that causes holy wars and turns brother against brother and father against son. Well ok maybe its not all that dramatic, but I feel like I want to put my two cents in about that article that Neal (linked) brought to my attention. And I would feel really bad to step on any toes. But I respectfully have to disagree.(http://www.g4tv.com/thefeed/blog/post/686259/The_Girl_Who_Will_Change_The_Internet.html#readmore)

To lead into my thoughts on this I'd like to say that I value the fact that the internet is something of a frontier in that it is a deep dark black hole of entropy. Why? Because from this abyss some really great things are born, like free forums of anything and everything that includes the deft and the daft on any topic imaginable. These dialogues connect such a critical mass of people as never could be joined otherwise. Not to mention chat rooms, blogs, music sharing, explanations by wikipedia about circlular velocity that puts my college physics book and professor to shame. And all we have to do is ignore the easily ignorable triteness. If we impose regulations on the internet to strangle that freedom then the we should be prepared to accept the risk that the internet may turn into a sterilized lifeless corpse.

Tangeant thought: People seem like they want to charge Lori Drew with murder, but they can't so they try to bend the law anyway so they can get her convicted of something, like lying to myspace or whatever as long as its something. Doesn't this strike anyone else as a perversion of modern law? On the other side of that coin I guess they did get Al Capone on tax evasion, but it was probably for the better that things turned out the way they did, rather than having him running loose.

There are a lot of ways this story could be dissected. but after some reflection, it seems to me that the real question is accountability. And accountability leads to this question: "Was Megan Meier mentally ill?" if the answer is yes, then blame should be placed on the government or Megan's caretaker. And it seems self evident to me that holding her mother responsible wouldn't be the right thing to do, and it seems a little unreasonable to ask the government to lock everybody up on suicide watch because of some suicidal tendancies. So lets ask ourselves again: "Was Megan Meier mentally ill?" if the answer is no, then she must be responsible for her own actions. Don't get me wrong, I think it's despicable that Lori Drew did what she did and she should be racked in shame in multiple capacities and on multiple levels. But we must catch ourselves in a bad habit of our society: Don't be so ready to blame and exact vengeance. Because if we continue to do that, our society will degrade far below the intangible rottenness of the dark side of the internet.

Disclaimer: if you are easily offended then you should skip this next paragraph and the following links. Seriously this is offensive.

edit: I have since read this paragraph and decided it was too much so its gone now.

But seriously I think that since Megan did commit suicide she was probably (in my nonprofessional opinion) mentally ill, but I don't think her mother accountable for what happened. And I certainly do blame Lori Drew for being a despicable person, but not a murderer.

Like I said, "the world is a twisted place."

The World is a Twisted Place

My first blog, I guess I can now be classified as one of *those* people. No offense intended to those hardest of cored bloggers out there, for I am one of you now, well except for the hard core part. Anyway I digress...

"The World Is A Twisted Place," is a phrase I stole from Waynes World, but I use it with a different meaning. If you were to look in the dictionary of Me it would look like this....

"The World is a Twisted Place": Saying/Kasabihan, A byword indicating in the most general way that the world is an effing twisted place. Usually used in a social awkward or nutty situation that would be exacerbated by most any observation or comment about said situation. What to say when one is at a loss of words or when there is so much to be said about the situation that it would require a lecture hall and a time slot of at least three hours and plenty of research and analyzation to properly articualate the twistedness of the situation. The byword is usually insufficient in expressing the twistedness of life.

I thought I should get that out of the way if I ever use it in the future.
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So today I passed by the TV as my sister was watching, and there was a show on that had Angelina Jolie in it before she was plastified. I must say that in this dudes opinion of beauty that less is more at least in the lips department. (makeup too I guess) But that topic is trite by now I suppose, so this is a good time to end that thought.
Metal Gear Solid 4 is coming out in eight days and I am pretty darned excited. It will be nice to get the fun experience of the game but it will also be nice to finish a franchise in my bloated gaming world and close that chapter. If a video game could ever be considered a form of art then this game would be the epitome in my book. A part of me is sad that its done, but at the same time I'm kinda glad because some good things really do need to come to an end. Like Star Trek TNG or Seinfield or a really big ass ice cream sundae.
Anyway, have a good day.